Saturday, July 9, 2011

Falling Anger

I fell.

For any normal person a simple fall probably wouldn’t mean that much.

For a person with a tumor pressing against the hip joint – a simple fall means now having to rely on crutches to walk.

I feel so stupid. 

It was a freak accident. 

Earlier in the day, Munchkin had been running back and forth from the kitchen exclaiming he was going to make ice cream.  I have no idea where he *learned* how to make ice cream but the kid was freezing milk and water while adding honey and shaking the contents everywhere. 

I walked into the kitchen to put back the guacamole I’d been enjoying into the fridge.  I turned and took a step into a puddle of water on the floor.  I slipped and fell on my back.  The pain reverberated up and down my leg and I knew I was in trouble.  FML.

I was home alone. 

After the fall, I couldn’t move for a long period of time.

During that time, all this anger started to boil up.

I was angry that I was sick.  I was angry that I might die soon.  I was angry that I probably wouldn’t live to see my son graduate elementary school.  I was angry that I can no longer plan things for next year knowing that there’s a chance I won’t be here next year.  I was angry that THIS was my life.

I was pissed off and incensed that I couldn’t get up!!!  Sitting there on the kitchen floor with no one else in the damn house and realizing that THIS was now my life got me so angry.

This anger somehow forced me to finally get up off that kitchen floor and make it back to my room and I broke.  In the confines of my room, with no one else in the house – I was finally able to let out all the pent up emotions from the last four months. 

This cancer business is no joke.

Fortunately, the next day, a series of x-rays showed that I did NOT fracture or break anything in my hip or leg.  *happy dance*  Why I can’t walk and put any weight on my leg – I do not know.  My doctor assumes that I just injured it badly and told me to use my crutches for the next few days and test the leg out day by day (in 48 hours I can already put more pressure onto it than I could that first day).  He also prescribed me a pain killer.  This is the first time since my initial surgery that I’ve had to take any prescription drugs for pain.  As I’m writing this post – I feel high.  =P  As much as I hate drugs, I know without them I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all the past couple of days.

I can’t wait to wean off these drugs. 

Most importantly, I can’t wait to walk again.

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