Saturday, July 9, 2011

Falling Anger

I fell.

For any normal person a simple fall probably wouldn’t mean that much.

For a person with a tumor pressing against the hip joint – a simple fall means now having to rely on crutches to walk.

I feel so stupid. 

It was a freak accident. 

Earlier in the day, Munchkin had been running back and forth from the kitchen exclaiming he was going to make ice cream.  I have no idea where he *learned* how to make ice cream but the kid was freezing milk and water while adding honey and shaking the contents everywhere. 

I walked into the kitchen to put back the guacamole I’d been enjoying into the fridge.  I turned and took a step into a puddle of water on the floor.  I slipped and fell on my back.  The pain reverberated up and down my leg and I knew I was in trouble.  FML.

I was home alone. 

After the fall, I couldn’t move for a long period of time.

During that time, all this anger started to boil up.

I was angry that I was sick.  I was angry that I might die soon.  I was angry that I probably wouldn’t live to see my son graduate elementary school.  I was angry that I can no longer plan things for next year knowing that there’s a chance I won’t be here next year.  I was angry that THIS was my life.

I was pissed off and incensed that I couldn’t get up!!!  Sitting there on the kitchen floor with no one else in the damn house and realizing that THIS was now my life got me so angry.

This anger somehow forced me to finally get up off that kitchen floor and make it back to my room and I broke.  In the confines of my room, with no one else in the house – I was finally able to let out all the pent up emotions from the last four months. 

This cancer business is no joke.

Fortunately, the next day, a series of x-rays showed that I did NOT fracture or break anything in my hip or leg.  *happy dance*  Why I can’t walk and put any weight on my leg – I do not know.  My doctor assumes that I just injured it badly and told me to use my crutches for the next few days and test the leg out day by day (in 48 hours I can already put more pressure onto it than I could that first day).  He also prescribed me a pain killer.  This is the first time since my initial surgery that I’ve had to take any prescription drugs for pain.  As I’m writing this post – I feel high.  =P  As much as I hate drugs, I know without them I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all the past couple of days.

I can’t wait to wean off these drugs. 

Most importantly, I can’t wait to walk again.

32 comments:

  1. Ugh...just Ugh. I am so sorry for your fall and your pain!

    ((hugs))

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  2. Oh, man... I am SO sorry to read this post. I know it must've been so frustrating to take that fall. I can only imagine the anger and bitterness at having to deal with this right now. Thank goodness nothing was broken, and that you are on your way to healing. I'll be thinking of you. Sending you lots of positive vibes your way.... Hugs, H

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  3. hello. :) i very recently married and moved to chicago with my husband. i am an avid reader of your blog -- your recipes have saved many dinners for me seeing as how i never cooked before i was married! not to mention, we really enjoy our meals together because the food turns out quite good with your help! just wanted to let you know -- your honesty, fear, and perseverance...your rawness, your anger, your hopefulness touch me deeply. i hope you're feeling better by the day. even though we don't know each other, you're in my prayers today.

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  4. Hello, I've just recently saved your blog, because I love korean food, and I want to try your recipes someday!

    I know that what I have is no where near what you're feeling; but I was for a period of six months in constant pain due to a torn arthritis and suspected gout, and I had to walk around for six months with crutches and a walker. The littlest thing I did would spark off another attack when I'm just healing on the other foot. After the whole six months, I had to totally relearn how to walk. So I can perhaps understand the anger when you fall, and you know it means something much more than a simple fall. Of course, I know I'm fortunate that it's been limited to my leg and nothing else.

    But still, I was hoping that you wouldn't feel so alone knowing somebody probably felt a fraction of what you felt. I hope everything goes well, and you'll be here to live many more years, and share more recipes.

    Please hurry up and walk again! :)

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  5. Thank you for sharing your story. My thoughts are with you and your family...

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  6. This is my first time reading your blog. I'm learning Korean and am entrenching myself in everything Korean :)

    But wow, this re-telling of your fall reminded me of when my father fell. It wasn't because he slipped and fell, but because the rare skin cancer (mycosis fungoides) that was taking over his body was causing him to lose his balance, and making him fall all the time (several times down the basement steps).

    I was in my bedroom one night(far from the living room where the fall took place), when something told me to go check on him. My mom had been taking care of him constantly (myself and my whole family was), but she had been exhausted and had went to bed early.

    As I was walking out of my room, the closer I got to the living room, I could hear my dad yelling for my mom. I took off in the direction of his voice. When I came into the living room, he was laying on the floor trying to pick himself back up. I immediately ran to him and said, "I'll get you up!" My dad was a pretty big guy but the cancer caused massive weight loss. Still... I hooked my arms under his armpits and proceeded to lift him up. He said, "You won't be able to get me up!" I said, "Just trust me". I don't know what it was, a burst of adrenaline, whatever, but I lifted him up so fast it shocked me as well as him.

    When I had him standing upright, he immediately broke down and began to cry. I didn't know what to do. I was 26 and had never seen my dad cry. The anger had just been building up until bursting forth from him after enduring so many falls. All he could say was, "What's wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? I'm a good person". All I could do was hold him (my dad was never the super affectionate dad, but he was a wonderful provider and I still considered myself to be a daddy's girl) and try to calm him down.

    I can't understand what you're going through, but I know what it's like on the side of the child. Don't let your mind even conceive the notion that you won't see your child grow up. Miracles happen everyday and I'll be praying for yours. Sadly, my dad lost the battle to cancer, but I know he's in a better place. Cliche? Well, yeah, but true. I didn't 'get it' until receiving a final sign that he was okay. I didn't get it despite the fact that he was seeing angels before passing, despite the fact that my niece who was 11 months old at the time would be caught baby talking to something I couldn't see while giggling like mad. She would reach her hand out in mid-air like somebody was giving her something, look at the 'object' in her hand, pick it up and examine it, then hand it back with her hand outstretched.

    It wasn't until 2 years later on Thanksgiving Day (my dad passed away on Thanksgiving in 2007) that I pulled out my dad's portrait and showed it to her, that I truly accepted the fact that he was OK. (God had given me so many signs as a source of comfort, like dreams of him saying he was at peace) I said, "Who is this?" She looked at his picture and said, "That's paw-paw. He's happy and he's home".

    This may be the ultimate test for you. Face it. Get angry, but don't let that anger take over your life. I pray for your healing, that you be restored to full health and vitality. It all begins with what the mind can conceive. Tell yourself that you are well, that you'll beat this disease. If you believe that you won't get better, then you won't. This isn't about positive thinking, but it's about using your own mental capabilities as medicine to heal your body. I'll be thinking of you because cancer is a demon that must be beat.

    I don't even know you, but I'm with you all the way :)

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  7. I hope the ice cream was worth it! ;)

    But on a more serious note, I am sorry that you were hurt and and that you are going through this cancer. I have been a faithful follower of your blog for a couple of years now, and have always admired your strength and humor... And I absolutely believe that you will get through this!!! You are always in my prayers.

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  8. Hang in there mama...

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  9. Oh my heavens! Reading this post made me ball my eyes out. I'm sitting here complaining about frivolous things while ur enduring a greater challenge! Keep the fight going and dont give up. Gosh I dont know u but ur blog has become such a big part of my liife trying to be a better cook. Ur incredibly braveRy and ur humor will take u far in life. In my prayers for sure :)

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  10. When I came across your blog it inspired me to harrass my mom about teaching me how to cook some Korean dishes....I began with bibimbap. I am sorry to hear you are battling cancer. My brother fought cancer and I was right there supporting him. I don't dare know first hand what you are going through, but I do pray that you get through this swiftly with minimal pain. Thank you for sharing.

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  11. I was crying when I read this and yes, keep fighting!!! You are strong and even getting up the kitchen floor was such a strong act to do! *hugs*

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  12. Hope you are better!!!!! You are in our family's prayer!!! Love your blog!!! =)

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  13. I know how it feels to be sick and pissed off. It's alright to be angry with the world, with everyone and with yourself.

    However, I really want you to know that all of us who read your blog would be wishing you well. You can't die without a fight. So, start fighting and live long to see your son, not only graduating from elementary school but also see him get married, have kids and grow old! Please stay strong. I will send my prayers to you and wish you be strong in your fight for life.

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  14. (((HUGS))) I am so glad you are o.k.!!!

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  15. I feel so sorry my friend on what happens to you. Your story really inspire me and appreciate the things I do have now. Hope your okay now.

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  16. i'm so sorry for your fall and just the journey you are on right now. i love your recipes, your sharing of life and i wish there were some way to help. if you come out to korea and need help in any way, contact me and i'd be thrilled to do what i can. shopping_is_fun@hotmail.com

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  17. I like your blog. Your recipes are amazing, i hope you are better! Fighting!!!

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  18. Girl_interrupted118July 26, 2011 at 10:02 AM

    Oh NO!!! I am so at a loss of words to express the sadness I feel reading this. Hang in there, love. Though you may be struggling physically right now, I hope you know just how strong of a person you are on the inside. Miss you!

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  19. Thank you for sharing your frustration and pain. Your blog has been inspiring and informative for me. I have followed your blog, first with sam kye tang that I made last New Year's.

    Almost two years ago, I experienced chronic hip and back pain and was confined to my home for a month. It was the simple acts of cooking, doing laundry, and other seemingly mundane things that helped me to get through the day. The complications of my illness continued for another year, and I still have anxieties around "what if's," like if I will be healthy enough to have children.

    Thank you for writing your blog and being open to sharing it with countless others. I have faith that you will get through your ordeal intact and the richer for it.

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  20. My Korean daughter suggested I read your blog. I have been battling cancer for almost 3 years. One of my most recent chemo drugs has really messed up my balance and I've had to be really careful not to fall. I am not allowed out in the garden by myself, just in case I fall. I am very careful when I am home alone and keep my cell phone on me all the time. And yes, I am angry that I have these new limits. I am angry at feeling dependent on my daughter and others. But I am thrilled to still be here! When I was diagnosed My doctor wasn't holding out much hope of me even making a year. December will be 3 years.
    Hang in there and keep fighting!

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  21. sumayyahdz@gmail.comJuly 29, 2011 at 7:13 PM

    hi...all I know that you are the best mom and the best wife...keep it up..NEVER let the pain get in the way..always waiting for you posts ^-^

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  22. you are a strong woman, mom and wife, be strong and fighting!!!

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  23. I love your blog so much! I am a Korean Canadian, and have always grown up with these recipes in the periphery of my mind through being around my mother's kitchen, but I still love reading through your posts for their genuine love and joie de vivre. I am so sorry to hear you are sick. Without knowing you however, it is clear that you are an incredible, positive, strong woman. You inspire me to live better!

    As they say in the motherland ~FIGHTING!~

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  24. get better soon! stay strong and positive! much love

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  25. I understand how you feel, I had a fam removal surgery too back then in april, I was so horryfyingly shocked when doctor told me that I have a tumor on my left breast. I was afraid, but I successfully conquer my anger and my sickness. I pray for your health =Dtake care

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  26. and oh btw, I tried to cook kimchi jigae and start making my own kimchi (based on your recipe) it turns out delicious, I can't wait to see you smile and get well soon =D you're strong!

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  27. I just wana give u a very warm kiss on ur cheek and tell u from the bottom of my heart that i wish u have a very sweet life and a long life with ur family, i ve been reading ur blog for a year or so, but never i posted a comment until i read this post tonight. im really speechless. im happy that u r getting better and i hope to see ur pics from seoul very soon

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  28. You're one brave,strong woman.I stumbled upon your blog today,and I just want to say that you shouldn't ever give up thinking you won't see yur child grow up.Because you're stronger than that.My prayers are with you and all the best wishes from Malaysia.And thank you for your delicious recipe!

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  29. How you got up, despite the pain and anger, is what defines you. You are so incredibly strong, even in your "weak" moments, you have the strength of at least 15,000 hulk hogans. Reading these comments amazes me. You're touching peoples lives, one dish at a time and one heart at a time. love you!

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  30. This post made me cry, as I was thinking of my little one. I will be praying for you, and I will pray for healing. Fight it with every fiber of your being, and enjoy the time with your family. You never know what will be around the corner. Never think you won't be around, and never give up. You are a strong woman, and wonderful mom.

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  31. Hey this is Luvlyac... from xanga.
    i'm so sorry to hear about your fall. I feel the pain. I was hospitalized also last month for acute stomach ulcers. i'm not sure if u are famililirized with this. but while i was in the hospital, i felt like i'm going to die and that i was too young to have dr's running so much tests, xrays and ct scan...
    i'm recovering now but i have a really big feeling over the years, i will have something serious..........
    hugz to u...

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